How to make sense of the Senseless

As i look outside and see resplendent sunshine i wonder how my beautiful daughter is.  Not a moment goes by when she is not in my thoughts.  But i can control my thoughts far easier than she can right now.

The brain is a weird and wonderful entity, one minute it can fill us with greatness and wisdom, the next we can become debilatated by mental illness and anxieties that seriously make no sense at all.

As i tell people (usually friends) about my daughter, i even find it hard to believe sometimes, that what i am saying is real. I hear my words, and they sound like a far fetched fairy tale…without the magic.  But thats the thing,  its not really real as it’s all in her head, make believe, her brains way of protecting my daughter , a security blanket so much so that i am sure the brain is patting itself on the back saying  “i’ve got your back, i’m here to protect you, you’re safe with me around kiddo!”

But the sad factor is that it’s not protecting her, it’s ruining her life.  She’s is unable to remember the happy events in her life,  she struggles to sit on furniture.  
The ‘we’ is my husband, myself and our son.   We are contaminated,  this is her OCD.  She is afraid that we will contaminate her…with what, no one actually knows.  I have not held my daughter for so many months, i have almost forgotten what she smells and feels like to hold against me.  My heart has broken and tinkled into a million pieces more than once.


She has been in Hospital for 3 and a half months; 101 days; 2424 hours.   Our pilgrimage

My Heart Broke a Little more Today

My heart broke again today,  when i thought i was impervious and could break no more, or tears flow no more, my body did what it does best, protect me.

you cut yourself again today, carved your pain into your body.

a constant reminder of the afflictions you bear.

where is it that you are, whats holds you to this dark place……

how can i reach you , guide you from all this pain and torment.

I know you are stronger than the rest, they do not carry the strength that you do

You are not alone my sweet child, for i hold your heart in my heart.