is today the day?

this week has been completely different to last week. this week i am filled with hope for my daughter, last week it was despair with me on suicide watch……. As a parent this in NOT what you want to have to think about….EVER.

This week saw my daughter bake a cake for her best friends 16th birthday…it doesnt matter that the cake is still sitting in the cake tin with the icing waiting patiently to embellish the chocolateness of the cake. that doesn’t matter, what matters is that MY DAUGHTER GOT OUT OF BED AND DID SOMETHING, COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY DID SOMETHING. With a little help, but she still did it!!

that fills my heart with warmth and blessings. i have started praying some more, for my child, and i do believe this is helping.

the other day my husband took our delightful teenager daughter to school. On their way into town, my daughter shockingly and somewhat surprisingly stated ” when did those trees get there , and  exclaimed “have those hills always been there?”. As she looked out the window, which seemed to be for the very first time. To some, this would seem normal or abnormal whatever the case may be, but for our daughter, this is a revelation….the same as her baking a cake. the fact that she actually NOTICED the hills is an amazing attribute in its self. its fantastic. Is she becoming aware.??

The road of OCD is a very tricky and very taxing one, at times.

i am reading a very good book at the moment called “Freeing your child from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder”, by Psychologist Tamar E.Chansky.  This has to be one of the best pieces of literature i have read, in regard to OCD. i can relate to it and i can put my daughter into the situations in the book, which is both welcoming and hope fulfilling.  its the kind of book that i pick up from time to time, read an exerpt or two and have some very amazing ‘a-ha’ moments.  the analogies in this book are very apt.  i would firmly recommend this book as it gives great insight to OCD and how to handle it as a parent, and for the child.   if anyone has anyother reads they could recommend. i would love to hear from you.

Be safe in your world,

and what are you grateful for today?.

i am grateful that i have 2 beautiful healthy very funny teenagers.

Where to from here……

It has been feeling like life has been going on too nicely. i think its time to give you some background on our situation. i am sure there are others out there who did not sign up for this, i know i didnt, but i am here and i am sure going to fight for my child.

My now 15 year old daughter was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder a little over a year ago. Now i was not really surprised by this, and at the same time shattered by the news.
i always had an inkling that something was not right but i thought it was autism or aspergers. but no, it turned out to be OCD. At age 13 years she seemed to have been ‘changed’ almost over night. she became over sensitive , hyper vigilant that anyone would see or hear us(the family). We were it seemed, to be the only family with weird things going on, which i think translates to “normal” family life. if someone knows what normal is, please share.

At age 14 she became grossed out by her younger brother. He wasnt cute like others younger siblings, (he happens to be 20 months younger than her). He always seemed to have ‘sticky’ hands and everything he touched became ‘sticky’, he became the annoying little brother. As this went on she bacame increasingly mean and nasty to him and at times attacked him verbally.
The thing was, she was unable to control these outbursts, and she knew she wasnt being the nice sister she wanted to be. Her brother idolised his big sister, he was becoming a little crushed. he questioned her about what was wrong with him. But she was never able to give him any answers, nothing was ever clear. This continued for a few more months and we tried to control what we could. without always focussing on the negative. To his gift, he was probably just a normal 11 year old boy. But as time was ticking along I began questioning everything we did and thought. This was not working for anyone. even less so for our daughter. things i sensed were coming to a head and we were out of control as a family.

How to make sense of the Senseless

As i look outside and see resplendent sunshine i wonder how my beautiful daughter is.  Not a moment goes by when she is not in my thoughts.  But i can control my thoughts far easier than she can right now.

The brain is a weird and wonderful entity, one minute it can fill us with greatness and wisdom, the next we can become debilatated by mental illness and anxieties that seriously make no sense at all.

As i tell people (usually friends) about my daughter, i even find it hard to believe sometimes, that what i am saying is real. I hear my words, and they sound like a far fetched fairy tale…without the magic.  But thats the thing,  its not really real as it’s all in her head, make believe, her brains way of protecting my daughter , a security blanket so much so that i am sure the brain is patting itself on the back saying  “i’ve got your back, i’m here to protect you, you’re safe with me around kiddo!”

But the sad factor is that it’s not protecting her, it’s ruining her life.  She’s is unable to remember the happy events in her life,  she struggles to sit on furniture.  
The ‘we’ is my husband, myself and our son.   We are contaminated,  this is her OCD.  She is afraid that we will contaminate her…with what, no one actually knows.  I have not held my daughter for so many months, i have almost forgotten what she smells and feels like to hold against me.  My heart has broken and tinkled into a million pieces more than once.


She has been in Hospital for 3 and a half months; 101 days; 2424 hours.   Our pilgrimage

My Heart Broke a Little more Today

My heart broke again today,  when i thought i was impervious and could break no more, or tears flow no more, my body did what it does best, protect me.

you cut yourself again today, carved your pain into your body.

a constant reminder of the afflictions you bear.

where is it that you are, whats holds you to this dark place……

how can i reach you , guide you from all this pain and torment.

I know you are stronger than the rest, they do not carry the strength that you do

You are not alone my sweet child, for i hold your heart in my heart.

How did this happen?

yesterday  our daughter  entered the inpatients child and adolescent mental health unit…….

……..this is not our life.

we drove in convoy with a car with our child in …..

…….this is not our life.

she couldn’t bare to see us, we were the enemy, the contaminated…..

……this is not our life.

we had a surreal meeting with the team…..

……this is not our life.

i am  grieving…..

…..this is not our life.

…..we drove 500kms home today, and didnt even say goodbye……….

…….this is not our life.

we are home with our son , we have left our daughter …..

…..this is our life.

The impasse of life, as my Teenager battles Obsessive Compulsive Disorder